The Ice Palace

We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I Have To Learn German...

The thing about CG is he's Wonderful Wonderful Wonderful....Except for this one tiny little thing. He's German!

Now before all of you Germans out there start sending me hate mail (even though it would provide entertainment for me) DON'T! You see when I met him I knew that he was German. I have even known for quite a while that he had duel citizenship. No biggie. It's not like he eats sausage and kraut all day, and has an accent. He was born there, that's it....doesn't even speak Deutsche! SEE That was me being clever...GO WITH IT!

So it's not like he has a phobia of screwdrivers, drives on the wrong side of the road, and thinks Hitler was groovy. (Well he might-but that has nothing to do with him being German) His parents, and brother all live here so how could I know it was going to lead to me wishing Germany was suddenly IN California? CG called me Monday night(in the middle of my sleep cycle of course) to tell me that he had received some bad news, but he couldn't talk about it while he was driving the train.(I'm not sure why not it' not like he does anything but run over hobos and honk the horn thingy) So I wait and wait for him to call me back. In the interim I can't sleep because I am of course thinking the worst.

1. He met someone he likes better than me--How is this possible? Does he know WHO I am?

2. He is Gay.

3. He decided to host an all Brad Pitt marathon next weekend and I am invited.

4. He lost his foot in a tragic rail accident involving a hobo, a car load of farm workers, and a midget.

So when he finally calls me-three hours later-Grumble Grumble....I am relieved to find out that he has not lost a foot. However it is bad news. His grandfather is gravely ill. This same grandfather lives in...Yes that's right people say it with me...GERMANY! He also informed me that he would be going to Germany for the next two weeks. Now I completely understand his having to leave, and was ready and willing to help him pack his panties if need be....but the story has a twist.

*Doesn't it always with me?*

His grandfather wants to leave him the family hops farming business. Oh...yes, of course the family business isn't in California, it's in G E R M A N Y! It might as well be on the moon to me! I don't mind a long distance thing but if it requires a passport to see my boyfriend(pseudo or not) it's just not gonna work for me. I mean I like him a lot. I really do. but I just couldn't live in a chalet in the Alps with those little green shutters. You can't even drink the water! Beisdes I might run into Brewman, and that would just be baaaad. He hasn't made the decision to move there or not yet so I have compiled a helpful list of why he should NOT go.

1. He would miss me, a lot, and that would be sad.

2. He doesn't speak Deutsche. (That's German for you non German speaking folks)

3. The only thing he knows about growing hops is, he likes beer. (chilled)

4. His cousin, who has been running the business since he was a wee German sprout, would become resentfully bump him off and throw his langenhausen clad body in The Rhine river. It would be a mess, a MESS I tell you.

5. He would miss me...Did I say that?

6. It's cold there.

7. He would have to learn how to go days without a shower to fit in with the natives. (He's a Germaphobe)

8. They don't show the movie "TR*Y" In Germany.

9. He wouldn't be able to live without me.

10. And most importantly...He would miss his daughter. Yeah I meant his daughter. I did, stop it!

So He leaves tomorrow for Deutschland. Home of der wienerschnitzel, Gummy Bears, and men with funny names. I only had one request, bring me a kraut dog. He then informed me that Wienerschnitzel wasn't German...Next thing you know he will be telling me German Potato Salad isn't German either!

So...I may miss him just a smidge...I may not even notice that he's gone come to think of it.

Dammit he better at least bring me something.


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