Sins Of The Past...
...They always come back to haunt you don't they?
Why didn't I believe my parents when they told me to get your shit together when you are younger?
I sit here today miserable, and lacking the thinks I truly desire because of my past sins. I got married a few minutes out of high school. I didn't go to college like all my friends. I was cooking dinners and having a baby, while they were all out experiencing life, getting an education, and meeting quality men. I was watching my husband drink 12 beers a night and pass out on the floor while our baby cried because she was sick, and I was too tired, and too young to know any better.
I went from bad to worse and back again. Just when I thought I would get it together, go to school and marry the right man, he turned out to be the wrong man, again.
I thought I knew how to break this cycle. I thought if I was a strong, educated woman, with a good job, I would attract the right man this time. The problem is. I cause this cycle. I caused the demise of so many of my past relationships... and yet I still blame THEM.
What has happened to me? Why can't I go into a relationship with trust. I can't do it. I don't know how to trust anyone anymore. Maybe I watched too many episodes of the X-Files, or maybe I have just been hurt so many times by people I did trust that I am just scarred for life. I get attached to someone and I look for the signs. I looks for the ways they are going to hurt me. I speculate on how this one will take advantage of me this time. Even when things are going really well I see giant flashing lights of dishonesty all around me, when they aren't really there. I look for ways to head off the relationship so I can escape and minimize the pain. Now even my future is being haunted by my past.
I have a great guy in my life, who has given me NO reason what so ever to doubt that he cares for me and wants to be with only me. He hasn't even done any of the things that my exes did to me. He says all the right things at the right times, and he treats me really well. He makes it known he has a girlfriend, to the people we know in common. He's smart, funny, handsome, and we have a great time together. I already let myself care for him more than I should. I passed that point of no return. The part where songs, and TV shows, and certain smells remind you of the other person. The part where you know that if it ends it's going to leave you sobbing on the couch for days while Jen tries to get you to beat a snow globe in the back yard with a hammer. So why can't I just be happy, and have fun, and believe that everything is going to be OK? Why can't I just plan a future with someone, instead of planning the way it's going to end?
I am so afraid that being loved is for other people. I want to run away. I want to run away from him. I want to run away from my radio station. I want to run away from my job. I just want to run away from everything that can hurt me.
posted by Debi @ 5:12 PM
5 Comments:
Having been in similar situations before, all I can say is I feel for you.
Remember that your destiny is in part determined by your outlook, keep you're chin up, think positive and remember that all things, good and bad, come to an end.
Holy moley BatGirl...What's with the glass one quarter empty? I'm proud of my scars. I flaunt them like the badges of honor they are. Sins of the past are learning experiences.
Your fav (cough, cough) Garth Brooks, sang "the dance," "I could have missed the pain, But I'd have had to miss the dance." Those wacky rednecked philosphers.
The love of my life, K, says, you do what you know. But you also know what not to do. Doesn't that give you the power? Feel emboldened by your life's experiences. Things could have been done differently? Yeah. Better? Maybe. But looking back won't bring about that change. The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.
K wonders at times, is she entitled to the happiness and good things in her life? I say hell yes. Those are the results of a good life, a reward of sorts.
Let's see what the Ice Chicky's portfolio contains...Good job, good man, good kid, good friends...sounds pretty damned good.
As Monty Python would say...
"Always look on the bright side of life..."
The cycle is a comfortable place, because you already know what to expect. That's why breaking it is so fucking hard.
I have to disagree with 'looking back won't bring change'...because someone important once said "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it".
Of course, I also think most of those old philosophers were just talking out of their asses anyway.
Long distance is ALWAYS hard, and hopefully the both of you will realize that you need to make extra-special considerations for each other. It's not like you can storm out in a huff & have him chase you, it's not like he can knock on your doorstep with a handful of flowers begging you to let him in and forgive him for whatever.
If it's worth it, to both of you, you'll find a way. :) xoxoxox
I am afraid that I do not yet know you as well as I may wish. However by reading your blog and talking with you online over the past several months, I find myself very much "in like" with you. You are funny and charming, and obviously smart. You have a very good and close friend close by. It sounds as if your family loves you very much, and though I don't know much about your daughter, your son seems to be a good kid. You are blessed to have all this and a wealth of extended friendships across this country and overseas.... What I'm trying to say is that you do have an enormous amount of plusses in your life...and like all of us,some minuses as well. I think when your life is tallyed up, you will find that you are and will remain ahead of the game.....So buck up, hold your head up and move on, if you occasionally stumble along the way there will be a lot of hands reaching out to help you up,dust you off, and to give you a gentle, friendly shove to keep you moving onward ....
And as Mark is giving you that gentle shove forward, rest assured that I will be...
...standing there with my leg out, trying to trip you.
Because that would TOTALLY be funny. :)
(have I told you yet today that I love you bunches & stuff?)
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