The Ice Palace

We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Reflecting On Fables

Some days, talking to your friends is like looking in a mirror...

My ex boyfriend suddenly died a couple of weeks ago of high blood pressure. He was 40. We had been over for a while, and frankly, he was abusive to me, but we had moved on from that. We had become friends again. He was raised in an abusive home, and the cycle continued. He got a lot of help over the years, and seemed like he was back on track. He had a girlfriend, a job, and had really cleaned up his life. You know what's sad? I told my friends about his death and all they could say was, "wow that sucks...wanna go out tonight?” He will most likely won't be remember by anyone in my circle for anything but being abusive to me. I don't make excuses for what he did to me...but I am sad that he had to die...and have no one care.

I was sitting here a little while ago and I was reflecting on the last year. What have I achieved? If I suddenly died today...what would people remember me for? Seriously. I couldn't think of anything great people would say about me. I could think a lot of people would probably say how horrible I was to them, or how mean I was. Who would miss me? Would someone besides my children (and at this point I debate if my daughter would actually miss me-or just my wallet) actually be sad?

I spent the first part of this year in a relationship with a man who used me for money, while he made an insane amount of money but lied to me about it. I put a lot of things in Jeopardy, including my freedom for this man. It was my fault. I could have said no to anything he wanted, but I thought I was helping someone who truly needed my help. What a waste of ten months, and a whole lot of money. What would I remember? How foolish I was.

I spent the summer feeling crappy about myself because I believed that the way I looked should be dictated by one person's opinion. I turned thatfelling into meanness, and hatred towards people *I* believed were prettier than me, or better than me at something I was good at. I was shown this last weekend, that I was wrong, and I have been bringing a lot of stress, and grief and rejection on myself because *I* believed those "prettier people" couldn't like me. Wasted friendships.

The last few months, I have been living in this "Fairytale World". The world where everything is great and wonderful and no one gets sick and dies. The world where everyone is nice to each other and everyone is friends. The world where no one gets hurt and no one leaves me. The world where everyone can find someone to love. I guess that too was just a fable I created because it was better than "Normal".

I don't think I like that mirror anymore.


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