My Head Hurts

Last night I decided it would be a swell idea to go to our local fair. I called up my friend Ryan. The one that got fired from The Grid for talking to some girl on the phone. (he would like me to point out he did a LOT more than that to get fired) I told him what fun we would have and he decided to go. He met me at my house and I drove to the fair. On the way to the fair we played with my new satellite radio in my car. It went from 80's music to reggae, to dance rave type music, to showtunes. When we got to the showtunes we started talking about what shows we had seen lately, and he mentioned that he had seen Phantom, and it was awesome. That's great. I am truly happy for you Ryan, but WHY OH WHY did you feel the need to tell me all about your glitter fantasy? Ryan apparently only has one fantasy involving a woman dressed as a fairy wearing so much glitter that he will find it in his bed for the next three weeks. Oh and he SWEARS he's not gay...Yeah ok whatever! While on our way to the fair we almost rear-ended a Volvo driving old hag that apparently had to look at the car pulled over on the side of the road. Ryan was screaming "I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place" I am guessing that place involved glittered fairies. The fair provides shuttle service to the fair if you park miles away. That bus ride to the fair is always a prelude to the freakshow we are about to endure. There was one couple who apparently didn't get the "how to dress for the fair" manual. She had on high heel sandals and a mini skirt.....I dunno maybe she was really a prostitute trying to get downtown for free....But heels at the fair? Ok so for all of you out there in blog land that don't know what to wear to the fair I have prepared this quick easy to follow guide.

1.You are going to do a lot of walking (or "model walking" if you are me) so wear comfortable shoes! No heels! Besides you are going to get all drunk and stab a cow pie with that heel and walk all over looking really foolish. Do you really want that?

2. No hats that either make you look like you are going to rob a 7-11 store, cowboy hats that you can smuggle a midget under, or WWII helmets. Please for the love of GOD do not buy one of those airbrushed trucker hats that say "Babygirl" and then proceed to wear it off to the side. You look ridiculous.

3. If you are in fact over 200lbs, DO NOT wear a babydoll camisole blouse, with your belly hanging out. I mean if you are "fluffy" and you love the way you look that it awesome, but I don't wanna see your "Pillsbury dough boy" impression.

4. If you are wearing a fanny pack of any kind you should be shot on site! If you are wearing it to the front it is STILL a fanny pack, STOP IT!

5.. If you are a man please do not pull your pants up so high that they are directly under your ginormous man boobs, not pointy toed boots, no neckerchiefs (you are not at boy scout camp), no airbrushed wife-beaters, and OMG lose the trucker hat you freako Ashton wannabe! Oh and if your pants are falling off yer butt, please pull them up cause I don't wanna see your hairy butt crack while I am trying to watch a concert. Thanks!

Ok now back to my trip to the fair... So we get there and I end up getting something fruity in a blinky cup. The gal at the booth insisted I turn my cup on to blink some seizure inducing light show. I wasn't thrilled with that so I told her I was epileptic and she should feel bad. She looked all shocked at me, and walked away. In the mean time Ryan made a friend at the beer booth. The girl asked him " Do you keep coming over here cause you like us?" Of course Ryan was just after the beer....But he was polite and said "uh yeah sure" She was not convinced. You know he didn't go back after that. I think she scared him away. We walked around the fair while I drank 2 more of those fruity concoctions. They seemed so refreshing and innocent at the time! Damn you fruity drinks! Ryan decided we needed to eat something, so I opted for a hot dog on a stick (drunk fair food YAY!) and he ate a bratwurst. I vaguely remember calling "CG" and telling him I was at the fair. Why I did this I had no idea...I remember him asking me if I was drunk and I said "I think so" All I remember was CG saying "It's still daylight outside!"....Is there some rule that I can only be drunk from fruity fair drinks AFTER dark? I didn't get that memo...Oh well. Ryan and I made our way to the Smashmouth concert. I'm not a huge fan or anything in fact before last night if you had ask me to name their songs I couldn't have without hearing it first. Well I STILL can't really except the Happy Days song. Now I had no idea WHY we were going except that it was free. We got some seats fairly close to the front of the stage, and sat down. Of course at that very moment I had to use the ladies room. So I left Ryan there talking to some strange man while I went to go find the nearest bathroom. Well that happened to be by the fruity blinky drinky place, so I got a "refill". On the way back I noticed I was walking like one of those run way models. You know the kind that walk like horses clomping down one foot in front of the other. Apparently I thought it was a good idea. I am sure someone, somewhere is blogging about this and explaining it is in fact, NOT a good idea. I finally found Ryan again through the sea of teen agers I had to wade through to get back to my seat. I told him about my fabulous new walk, but he seemed unimpressed. So there we sat in our great seats waiting for the show to start, thinking we had a primo spot for ...Who is it we are here for again?...That was all fine and dandy until they came on stage. Then a gang of 17 year old boys, an overweight father of two young girls, (who by the way thought it was a good idea to hold his 2 year old daughter in front of the speaker while pumping her arm in the air while she sobbed) a clearly retarded man, a couple of butch looking women, and two girls in trucker hats rushed the stage in front of us. It's a good thing no one made me spill my fruity concoction of booze or I woulda had to sit there and do nothing because dammit I was scared. I looked at Ryan and said why are we here? He said "I dunno, I hear there are funnel cakes here" Some clown behind me kept screaming "Do All-Star!" to the band. The people in front of me would turn around and look at this guy like they were going to revolt and attack him at any moment. I thought it would be a good idea instead to shout out "DO THE SHREK SONG!" Bad plan! We stayed for two or maybe three songs because they all sounded the same to me. There was one about "Fonzi" from "Happy Days", I am sure of it. They did the shrek song, that made me happy, and then it was time to go. Ryan wanted a funnel cake. Normally this would have been a great idea. However, after my 3 fruity blinky drinks it was in fact a bad idea. If you ever think about doing it...Just don't. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, except on the shuttle bus ride back to the car the lady in front of us closed the window, and proceeded to fart. It smelled like an entire zoo crawled up in her and died. It was all I could do not to throw up in her hair. I just kept thinking of Patsy and her throw up in her hands story, and how I didn't want one of my own and we finally made it to the car. We went back to my house, where I promptly passed out from too many fruity blinky drinks, and lack of sleep. Jen B. and I will be going back tonight to attend the Berlin concert, so I should have even more stories tomorrow! Hopefully they will not involve any glitter or model walking!

I am going to go lay down on my desk now...